I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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