I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
