checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
