He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
If I die, sorry about rent.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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