I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
