How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
