he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Randomize
