He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Randomize
