I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
