there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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