I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
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