my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
