The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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