I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
