I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
