I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize