I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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