i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
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