I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
