It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
