you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
