i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm too high and old for this...
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Randomize
