I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
