HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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