I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
