i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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