feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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