I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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