i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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