Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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