I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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