onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
