just come out here and I will go home with you...
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
