I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
