all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
