There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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