When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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