I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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