Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
