And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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