Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Congratulations! We have a period
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
