Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
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