I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
