And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
