it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
