if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
