Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
