Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
