forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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