A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize