Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Holy shit dude........stairs
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
