Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I have peed in a lot of sinks
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
