Duck Duck Cougar?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
