sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I booty called her while she was in labor.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
A+ Viking dick
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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