Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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