Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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