I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
you made out with another girl for some wings
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
