we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
why do cheetos always look like penises
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
