I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Randomize
