fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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