you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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