I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I lost the right to judge tonight
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
