my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
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